I want to pick blackberries and come home to clean and empty rooms with summer light resting in soft trapeziums across the walls.

ADVICE: DON’T FEEL BAD :)

I feel lonely. I feel like I live in a song. I want to go to the moon. I want to burn down my bedroom. I ate red grapes today that were given to me by a friend. I love the song that has my name in it from the beer advert (Billie The Vision & The Dancers - Summercat). I don’t understand why everyone can’t be my best friend. I don’t understand people who talk to me about really personal and meaningful things and then don’t do it again. I have a bruise in the shape of an ampersand.

I am going to grow my hair until I don’t need to wear clothes any more. I am going to push a flower through your letterbox every week, with a little name tag attached. I am going to eat egg and cress sandwiches. I am going to write a letter to David Shrigley and ask him if he’d like to eat ice cream with me. I am going to take people little gifts and letters. I am going to sleep.

I’ve been thinking a lot about what I have and what I want very recently and I realise that the one thing I want most of all is to be creative and I already have that, even if I feel stuck and frustrated sometimes (we all do and that’s okay). The other day a friend told me that the one thing he wants in life is to have children and he’s afraid that it will never happen. There are things I’d like to happen for me in the future but I’m starting to think I should forget them. I’ve never been too invested in thinking about the future because I don’t want to miss what I’ve got now, and everything changes. I know I have what I want most in life already. I keep seeing all these stuck people and I wish I could just pick them up and drop them into the life they want. I want to tell everyone to just drop everything and go to what they want. I know it’s a lot more complicated than that, but sometimes it’s a matter of “if you don’t try how will you know?”

And you never need to know what you’re doing. No-one does, really.

I sprained my trapezius (neck muscle) on Tuesday and had to be lifted out of the bath by paramedics and taken to the hospital. I really enjoy being wheeled from an ambulance, it’s quite fun. There’s something immensely comforting to me about being in a hospital. Someone was impressed that I could take 4 pills at once. I’m a little bit stiff right now, but I can move without pain and should be completely back to normal in a day or two.

I’m trying to write more. I have a potential idea for a novel, but it could be a different sort of project instead (I don’t want to quite commit to a novel until I’ve already written it). I think I might do some sort of short story zine or a collection of handwritten poetry (typed text can makes things a bit clinical or impersonal). I’ve been writing my thoughts as soon as I wake up - it’s a good way to wake myself up properly and it’s apparently easy to get a good word flow straight after regaining consciousness.

I would quite like to talk to some people about sleep. Tell me everything you know about sleep and sleeping with people and animals and yourself. Different places to sleep. When you can’t sleep. What your hair does when you sleep. Just general sleep information, anecdotes and chat would be nice. Diagrams optional.

I can only sincerely apologise for that terrible “heart drive” pun. Not sure if “Tumby” was acceptable either but let’s just look away from that. Let me distract you with a list of my favourite words:

• unconscionable
• tincture
• ectoplasm
• Carlisle
• plump

Only one of which accurately describes me. Guess which one.

Yes that’s right, ectoplasm.

• A model crying on the catwalk.
• 3 naked boys holding guns.
• Flowers poking out of boots.
• A girl with eyelashes drawn up to the middle of her forehead.
• An ostrich wearing a bow tie.
• The painted sentence “people are not my friends.”
• A David Shrigley drawing.
• A dead rabbit lying atop a dead fox. They are surrounded by leaves and berries.
• A man holding a vulture.
• A dress with lcd lights inside it.
• 2 pigeons on a train station platform.
• A window and a crumpled quilt.
• Various fruits spray-painted silver.
• Dandelion lingerie. 
• Crystals.
• Pink things.
• Chris Morris in blue monochrome.

I want to take photos of people in bed. I want to take photos of people. I want to take photos. I think I’ll take a long walk tomorrow. I want to write a lot of short stories. I want people to draw pictures for me.

I don’t really believe in being “in love” or “not in love.” I always feel love for people - I think it’s more like a constantly flowing river of pulsing and vague transitions. I get utterly obsessed with the tiniest things or people I barely know and that’s okay, I think. There’s nothing wrong with being passionate to the point of being a bit nuts, as long as you are respecting people and their boundaries.

I think people try too hard to simplify and categorise their emotions because they’re scared about not being able to control these really life-changing feelings, but the people who seem happiest are those who just let everything wash them away and don’t spend time beating themselves up about it. It’s wonderful to see people not getting terribly crushed by unrelenting unrequited loves because they are too busy enjoying the beautiful parts of simply loving someone, and loving themselves in the process. I don’t think love and pain are natural bedfellows, although they do go to fun-fairs together sometimes.

The person who made the David Shrigley font and I exchanged pictures of our cats via email and I am eating some jam sandwich creams, a wonderful hybrid of Jammie Dodgers and custard creams. Bloody nice.

Just momentarily got very confused by the word “nobbly” on the side of a packet of Hobnobs.

Listening to dreamy bands that have song titles full of words like summer and daydream and gold and roses and trees (Craft Spells, Wild Nothing, Seapony, Beach Fossils, CANT, Bleached, Widowspeak, Gauntlet Hair, Blouse, Big Troubles). Thinking about: sitting in the rain, pic ‘n’ mix, the palpable fear of someone who seemed so secure and enthusiastic about life.

Two people said I was wise/mature yesterday. I visited Big Ben at 1am this morning. Just because you’re a clock tower, that doesn’t mean we can’t be friends.

I have been thinking about how people live and the things that ultimately dictate people’s happiness, and how I’ve become so endlessly content relatively recently, like a little dancing piece of dust in a wide sunbeam. Nothing upsets me any more, not for long. Things that would have made me heartbroken and sick two years ago barely make an impact on my exhalations now. I think it’s important to recognise and record anything that I know has been influential in bringing me to this state of mind and way of thinking and living. It’s really beautiful and great and wonderful and I wish to feed it and cuddle it and encourage it forever.

For example, I take this piece of Julian Barratt’s early stand up quite seriously as life advice:

(gif by bonathan)

Here are some more things that I have been thinking and smiling about:

“In the world through which I travel I am endlessly creating myself” - Mikko Kuorinki, “wall piece with 200 letters”

“You are a perishable item. Live accordingly.” - (x)

“All I ever really want to know is how other people are making it through life—where do they put their body, hour by hour, and how do they cope inside of it.” - Miranda July

“Be happy for no reason, like a child. If you are happy for a reason, you’re in trouble, because that reason can be taken from you.” - Deepak Chopra

“I honestly can’t remember half the things we talked about. But it was nice. Really nice.” - (x)

“The main interest in life and work is to become someone else that you were not in the beginning. If you knew when you began a book what you would say at the end, do you think that you would have the courage to write it? What is true for writing and for a love relationship is also true for life. The game is worthwhile insofar as we don’t know what will be the end.” - Michel Foucault

“I was satisfied with haiku until I met you,
but now I want a Russian novel,
a 50-page description of you sleeping.”
- D. Young 

- unadoptable

“Turn soft and lovely any time you have a chance” - Jenny Holzer

Today I am relaxing. Tomorrow I’m going to wander around central London with a friend. I’m going to draw tiny pencil pictures in a tiny book. I like miniature things.

I want to be part of a group of friends who like to spend all day together taking pictures and plaiting each other’s hair and laughing in shops and drawing on each other’s arms and faces and eating ice lollies and going on swings. And we’ll keep a collective notebook and talk to strangers and dye our hair funny colours.