This morning I woke from a dream in which I possessed a dangerously luminous VHS box. There was a light inside that became apparent when it was opened. I was unconcerned and fiddled playfully with it, but others in my dream seemed very worried. There were some interesting dream characters too, including a homeless woman with a sealion companion and a lot of wolves. If a wolf had blue eyes that meant it was secretly human. Later in this dream, Neil Oliver caught me raiding my aunt’s fridge for the last Cheestring.

I dreamt that Chris Addison had to lift me down from a shelf.

I dreamt that David Bowie gave me some rather vague life advice.

I dreamt that I went to see Bryan Ferry and ABC (nice line-up, Ferry and Martin Fry had the same hairstyle for some reason). I fell asleep immediately after the gig and Bill Oddie brought me some tea while I was lying down and dreamily musing about Henry The Hoover.

I dreamt that I was recounting my life to Ian Hislop whilst resting my head on his tummy.

I dreamt I tickled a young Neil Arthur and then I had to kill some aliens.

I had a long dream.

I had a party and invited Kryten from Red Dwarf and to be amusing I texted him telling him that it was a requirement that all my guests be “not human” and he texted back “even humans?”

Later I was hanging around in a music shop in which Noel Fielding worked and we were bonding over musical preferences, much to the annoyance of the waiting customers. For some reason the shop also sold flowers.

After that there was a big gay bash in which Peter Capaldi and Brian Blessed performed this sort of ridiculous opera and also there were presents involved. It was all very exciting.

Later still I went back to my high school and got all nostalgic seeing my old English teachers. I wondered if they remembered me and then left through an astounding car museum. As I was going home on the train I saw a person I used to know with huge hair and I was thinking about emailing him to tell him I saw him and to talk about how fantastic his hair was. I was thinking about what I would say, when I almost realised I was dreaming: “I saw you today, except I’m not sure if I really did, because I think I’ve been hallucinating, everything’s been all dreamy.”

When I got off the train (which had morphed into both a tram and a bus) I walked a little while and found that I was lost. I saw what looked like a fancy dress shop with a moving cardboard cutout of some generic boyband creature in the window. I pressed my face against the window to look in and saw some people sitting at phones. The first one looked exactly like Bernard Black and looked like he enjoyed life about as much as Bernard Black. Somehow, via looking in at him, I accidentally got his job, and then because I didn’t know what to do, I ran away. The manager chased me until I woke up.

I dreamt that I was starring in a Dracula musical opposite Dave Vanian, and my old friend from school, Joanna Baldwin, was backstage rolling around in the costumes. I wore crushed velvet and gave a terrible performance.

I dreamt that someone lost their baby at a theme park because they had attached it to a helium balloon.

I dreamt that Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen was leading the revolution.

I dreamt that Jarvis Cocker and I were watching Kim Possible together and thoroughly enjoying ourselves.

I dreamt that my bath wouldn’t fill up because the water kept disappearing. Later I was going somewhere on the tube and all of the men there put their hands inside their trousers to adjust their pants. After that I arrived in a very dark and empty place, and I walked through a cave in which a Blixa Bargeld song was playing and I though “I must remember to listen to this when I get home.” I walked on and found a little venue in which The Damned where playing, who I had apparently come to see.

Isy Suttie was stood at the entrance and started talking to me as I walked inside. She was telling me about this Blur gig she’d been to, and how most of the people in the front row had been high on acid and thus were hurriedly passing water around in order to extinguish a band member’s “happy dentures.” Then a man who had stood next to us said something about being “in direct competition with Flickr” and called them bastards. He may or may not have been Robin Ince. Then I got excited thinking about knife and fork pixel art.

My old friends Lucy, Becki, and Fon appeared and I got upset because I realised I didn’t have a camera with me. We went to get some food (because for some reason there was a canteen) and mine and Lucy’s old form tutor, Mr Immelman, was serving. I became nervous because I thought he would laugh at my glasses.

The End.